Monday, October 26, 2015

Seasons Change

I'd like to say that I've been away from this blog for so long because I've been busy or because I've been saving puppies or something interesting, but the reality, like most realities, is much more boring than that. I've been doing more of the same down here in South Carolina.  I wasn't effected by the flooding, I haven't really done anything new or exciting.

I was driving to work today when a thought crossed my mind.  In movies you never really see the characters driving to work, you don't often see them sitting at a desk working, in movies and TV shows you see the action, you don't see the dullness that can be real life.  I was stopped at a red light and I looked up and was taken aback by the beauty that is the changing of the seasons.

If my life were a movie I would have had a voice over in that moment that went something like this, 'It's weird, this is the twenty second autumn that I've live through, the twenty second time that I've seen the leaves fall and every year I'm surprised by how perfect it looks.  We live lives that don't always allow us time to stop and look at the oranges and the reds, the yellows and browns of the fall, but I want to live a life where I remember to look.'

Cheesy, yes. But how the hell did I miss the leaves starting to change? Fall is my all time favorite time of year, I love waking up to the chilly mornings, wrapping myself in a blanket and drinking hot tea.  I love apples and hiking through a multicolored forest, I love what fall stands for, shedding old things before new life can start.  How have I been so wrapped up in the daily monotony of my life that I forgot to look up from the road and just look

Don't get me wrong, a few weeks ago I drove up a damn mountain to go to an apple orchard and it was breath taking but it was an hour a away and I made the effort to get into the mountain air because, to quote Jane Austin, "What are men to rocks and mountains?"  I forgot to look around me in my normal life, to be even more cliche than ever, I forgot to stop and smell the roses (not that I would smell any flower, I think that cut flowers smell life death and no one can change my mind on that).

I'm going to try to be less distracted by work.  I'm going to stop and just breathe in this perfect season because so many people exist without really living and I don't ever want to be that person.  I want  people to listen to my stories and be inspired to live.  I won't ever climb Everest, I probably won't ever swim with sharks or live off the grid.  My life won't be the stuff of legend, but it will be something worth living.

I don't want to look back in 5 autumns and realize I forgot to look at the changing seasons again.  I won't make that mistake twice.

Monday, October 5, 2015

2015 - The Year That Love (Maybe) Died

So as most of you know I am basically the picture of stoic and not at all dramatic, ever, so this blog will be shocking to most of you because it could be read as a little mellow dramatic.  (Okay, let's be honest, I'm basically the Drama Queen of the world, but whatever).

2015 has not been a great year for love, at least not in my circle of friends.  I have watched couples that I thought would be together forever breakup, I did some breakups of my own, but here's the thing, I'm personally happier for it.

Yeah breakups suck, they hurt like hell for both parties in most cases, but I'm 9 months out of my last breakup and for the first time in my 22 years of existence I can say without a doubt that I am happy within myself.

It took me a really long time to love myself the way that I do now.  Years and years of self confidence issues and letting people use me as a doormat takes time to heal.  I started the process a long time ago, towards the end of high school, but it wasn't easy, loving yourself isn't always an easy process.

So here's my thing.  I've heard that you can't love someone else until you truly love yourself, but I think that's complete bullshit.  I think you can love someone else with all of your heart, even if you don't love yourself.  I think that expression should be you can't accept someone else's love until you love yourself.

It's easy to love someone else, to accept their flaws and their quirks, it's not so easy to love yourself and when you don't love yourself it's hard to think that anyone else could love you either. I think that a lot of times relationships end because one of the parties doesn't believe it when the other person says they love them.  For me accepting romantic love was hard for a long time because I couldn't understand how someone could love me and all of my flaws.

I live a very different life now than I lived last year or even a few months ago.  I've fallen completely in love with my life, flaws and all.  I've accepted each of my quirks and I'm okay with not changing them.  I'm 22 years old, so there's time for me to become a better person, but there are some things that people might consider flaws that I wouldn't change at all - for instance, some people might think my compulsive communication is a problem, I on the other hand am completely okay with it.

So maybe 2015 was the year that romantic love died around me, but here's the thing, I think that love is like dust, like a phoenix, like the sun, it will always rise.  Maybe 2015 is the year that love was burned to the ground, but it is resilient.  We can't give up on love because it's what makes the world go round.  As the Beatles said 'All you need is love.'

As 2015 starts to wind down (crazy to think that it's already October) I want to spread the love.  If you're feeling sad, if you're feeling unloved, come talk to me.  I'm not saying I have all the answers, but I'll listen and if you want advise I'll share my experiences.  As someone who has fallen completely in love with herself and my life I might be able to help.

This feels a little ramble-y, but I'm pretty okay with it.  I'm a ramble-y, dramatic person and I love myself for it.  XO