Friday, August 7, 2015

Cathartic

Just a warning to my lovely readers (do I even have readers) that this post isn't full of sunshine and rainbows and optimism.  I'm having a bit of an off week which is why I haven't really been writing and I'm just going to lay it all out here.

This week I came to the very frightening realization that I am in fact an adult now.  It's a truly terrifying thing to realize because I don't think I'm ready for this.  Sure I'm prepared for the idea of adulthood, but not for the actual reality of it.  It's a big change and even though I'm adjusting to life down here and I'm making some really great friends I'm starting to get this pit in my stomach that feels a lot like loneliness.

My word today is exacerbate, which means to make a problem or situation worse. I think I've been exacerbating my maladjustment to adulthood by trying to deny it.  I don't deny it out loud or even to myself, but on a subconscious level I still feel like I'll be going back to school in a couple weeks.

I've been receding into myself this week.  I've been avoiding extended social interaction because I feel like I'm on the verge of tears constantly and I can't put my finger on exactly why.  Sure, I miss things about home and I miss my people but, it's not that.  It feels sort of like I came here to find a missing piece of myself and I'm so close to finding it yet so far away.

I thought that last week was a bad week on a personal level, not an emotional level though.  I had a friend from college pass away and got some sad news about a really old family friend but I still felt okay.  I think it's all hitting me this week, like maybe I'm not as strong as I though.  I'm sad about all of it, I feel small because I can't fix it and because everything feels so damn ephemeral (see what I did there).

Nineteen year olds shouldn't have brain tumors, 22 year olds shouldn't die from heart issues.  It's all bullshit and I'm not handling it nearly as well as I thought I was. But even as I write this, as I admit it to myself I'm starting to feel better.  Not better in a sense that I'm not sad and angry but that pit in my stomach doesn't feel as heavy anymore.

I barely cried about anything last week.  I wouldn't let myself feel sad because it was my first week of work and I wanted to be strong and stoic.  I am not a stoic individual, it was absurd for me to even feign that.

Today I cried, not just a tear or two but an ugly, full body, blotchy faced cry in my car outside of my apartment because I finally let the walls fall.  This stupid song came on my Spotify and the floodgates opened, but here's the thing, it was cathartic.

Maybe it's okay to be sad. It's definitely okay to be sad when things happen to you or around you.  My roommate is a big believer that no one handles change well, I don't disagree with her but I also thing that some people handle it better then others.  I won't lie anymore and say that I'm handling it like a pro because today I ugly cried in my car for 20 minutes, but that was less about moving 600 miles away from everyone I've ever known and more about outside circumstances that would have made me ugly cry anyway.

I'm letting myself be sad.  I won't let it consume me but I'm letting it be a part of me.  I feel a lot like Riley from the movie Inside Out.  If you haven't seen it yet and don't want me to ruin it for you stop reading right now because SPOILERS. At the end of the movie Riley admits that she's sad and her emotions work together because it's possible to be happy and sad at the same time.

That's what I am, I'm happy and I'm sad and I'm scared and I'm ready for adventure.  I am all of those things and more because I know that I need to be here.  I know that some days will be harder and others will be easier.

Sometimes it's cathartic to cry, sometimes it's cathartic to write out what's bothering you and sometimes it's okay to miss a place or a person or your dad's cooking or your mom's ability to know when you're having a bad day.  I'm 600 miles or more away from all of my best friends and my family and it's okay for me to miss them.  I shouldn't feel stupid because I miss them but I shouldn't feel alone here either because I've met some really great people who are going through similar situations.

This next week is a whole new adventure that I'm ready to undertake now.  Thanks for reading, it helped to write it all out.  It's funny how just putting it down on paper (or a blog) can make everything clearer, it's cathartic.

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