Thursday, July 30, 2015

Tumbleweed

I always say I'll try anything twice and thank god for that because day two was so much better then day one.  I actually got to do something with substance on my second day and that was not only exciting but challenging since I am making this up as I go, not in a bad way, it's just that I don't have a template to adhere to.

I like the freedom I've been given with my tasks, I get the chance to not only come up with plans but to create something entirely my own.  The only thing with that is that if it isn't right it's on me and me alone, that's a lot of pressure, but you know what? I like the pressure, I like feeling like I'm doing something new and exciting and if it's right that's all me and if it's wrong that's all me too.

July 29th was a good day for my creativity and it was also a good day for my mental state. I got the chance to talk to a fellow VISTA about what she's done in her life and while we were talking it clicked with me that there are very few doors that are closed to me at this point in my life.  I'm 22 years old, this year I'll be turning 23 and I am so young and I have so many opportunities ahead of me, some that I haven't even thought of.

I like to (mis)quote a Zac Brown Band song, the line goes 'You've got a gypsy soul to blame and you were born for leaving'.  When people ask me why I moved to South Caroline to a place that I had never been to before I told them "I've got a gypsy soul to blame, I'm born for leaving."  I sometimes call it my tumbleweed lifestyle, I go where the wind blows me and often even I'm not sure what the next stop is.

I like my life, no actually I  love it.  For the first time ever I didn't let fear or a commitment to something or someone hold me back.  I made the choice to move away from everything and everyone I've ever known and love because it was something I felt like I needed to do to grow.  I was a blossoming plant in a small pot, safe from the rain and watered daily with love and friendship but I was outgrowing the pot.

Sometimes you need to uproot yourself, transplant yourself into a bigger pot because you can't grow anymore where you are, that's what I did. I uprooted my entire life and I've transplanted myself somewhere entirely new to me and it is the most exciting and more terrifying thing I have ever done, but I love every second of it.

For the longest time I was sure that I wanted to go to law school but now I'm not sure.  That door is still open, I won't close it yet because I'm not sure if I want to cross that off the list entirely, but the moment that I decided to take a year (or two or three or however many I need to figure myself out) countless other doors opened, doors that I hadn't considered, doors that I didn't know existed until now.

There's a song by The Head and the Heart called Rivers and Roads that really struck a cord with me just as I was graduating from college and it still resonates with me a few months later.  Rivers and Roads was the kind of song that hit me in the gut, it managed to capture exactly how I was feeling in that moment.

"A year from now we'll all be gone, all our friends will move away.  They're going to better places but all our friends will be gone away."

That line is so simple and so true about this time in my life.  It's a period of transition, of fear and of growth.  No one can tell you where to go, they can try but you don't have to listen.  You can follow any road you want to, any river you please.

The song talks about change and ends with "Rivers and roads, rivers till I reach you" which to me means two things.  Firstly it means you can go anywhere but second it means that you can always come back home.  But coming home doesn't mean that things will be the same, that's the scary part about going away, nothing will stay the same.

But here's the thing, I can't have a gypsy soul and a tumbleweed lifestyle without leaving.  I can't let the fear of things being different when I get home hold me back because maybe everything is the same at home and I'm different.  Maybe I'll take a new road to get there, maybe all the blowing in the wind will lead me back to where I came from, or maybe it will lead me somewhere entirely new. That's the beauty of growing up, it's a journey that can take you anywhere if you don't let your fear hold you back.

So it may be rivers and roads until I reach where I'm going, but until them I'm going to sit back and let the wind take me where ever I'm meant to be.

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