Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Ephemeral

We live in a fast paced, ever changing world.  Sometimes it feels like everything that I do is ephemeral, like it won't matter next week what I did today - like I can't make a difference.  That's why I'm here - not just here writing this blog but here in South Carolina working as an AmeriCorps VISTA.

I should start at the beginning, where my existential, quarter-life crisis began.

This time last year I knew exactly what I was going to do with my life.  It was all so simple in July of 2014, but I've come to realize that simple doesn't always mean right or good. In July of 2014 I had taken the LSAT and I was all gung-ho about my senior year of college, I thought I was ready to take on the world, then I got my scores back.  They weren't bad scores, they just weren't what I had wanted.

It was after I took the LSAT for the second time in September of 2014 that I felt completely and utterly disheartened.  For the first time in my life I was questioning if law school was the right path for me and it was a terrifying thought because law school had always been the end game, so if I wasn't sure about law school what else was I not sure about, and what the hell was I going to do with my life.

I put off thinking about it for the rest of the fall semester, like any mature college student would.  I also came to realize that my parents weren't proud of me because I had always wanted to go to law school and I was striving for that, they were proud of me because I worked hard and I was following my passion.  It turns out they were even prouder when I told them I wasn't sure anymore and that I was looking into taking  a gap year.

By March of 2015 I was positive that I wanted to take a year and figure myself out, I knew that I wanted to do something that would make an impact and I knew that as a 22 year old that would be a challenge. Enter AmeriCorps.

I applied for programs all across the country, I knew that I wanted to get out of Buffalo (where I was attending college) and that I wanted to stay out of Cleveland (where I'm from).  So that's how I found myself moving to Spartanburg, South Carolina.  It's a small city of around 40,000 and right now I am calling it home.

That brings us to now, you're welcome for only giving you the cliff-notes, the story could have gone much longer.  I'm here because I want to make a difference and because I still have no idea what I'm planning on doing with my life but I know that I want to make some sort of impact.

Two days ago a classmate and friend of mine passed away - it was sudden from what I understand.  He was a great person, always smiling and making other people feel important.  He would have started law school next month and I know that he would have been great but life is cruel and too short for some people.

That brings me back to the feeling of everything being ephemeral.  Everything in life is fleeting, even life itself but at the same time it's the longest thing that anyone will ever do.  I'm going to try to make the most of my transitory existence because I have been given the privilege of having it.

This blog will be where I put my rants and ravings of the day or week, where I talk about what I'm doing at my job, where I talk about anything.  I don't expect anyone to read it, but everyone I've talked to about this type of experience has told me to document it so that I don't forget it, so that's what I'm doing.

Maybe some day I'll look back at this and realize that it was the beginning of a beautiful time, maybe it'll be the first day of the rest of my life, who knows? I sure don't.


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